Well damn, it's been almost a year since I've gotten my blog on! Sooooo much has changed and yet so little has changed. I am still silly and free-spirited and head over heels in love with theater. But these days, I am over the moon in love with my Son. It was around this time last year that I found out I was pregnant. It was actually closer to Halloween. Anyway, a plethora of emotions came over me....sadness, fear, defeat, doubt, excitement, shame. I wasn't ready for a baby. I'd just wrapped up 'Passing Strange' and was getting ready to run 'Palmer Park'. New Line cast me as Wanda in 'Cry-Baby'. I was in my theatrical prime. On top of that there was quite the scandal surrounding my pregnancy. This is why you don't sleep with your colleagues and you don't do on again, off again relationships. Just turn that shit off and keep the romance on the stage!! What would people think of me? What about my career, my social life, my title. I would go from single gal to single mom!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!! I didn't want to go through with it. I didn't want the stigma that came along with being a single mom. I didn't want to lose friends and jobs and respect. But then I remembered. "This is your life and it's the only one you've got. This is your life and there ain't no way out."

If I had an abortion, sure I wouldn't be raising a child right now but who's to say if I would have been able to deal with the trauma of that experience. Why kill a dream, because it's untimely. I chase dreams so that when I capture them I can revel...not so I can destroy or "postpone" them.

What will people think of me? What did people think of me? What do people think of me? Why should I care? I have very little control over that. Besides, you'll never get a true account to your face. As far as my career, it's a ball on a hill. If I let it go it's bound to fall fast and in order to keep escalating I've gotta stay strong and keep pushing. My social life is ever changing, as always, and expendable at the end of the day. I am a daughter, an ex, a sister, a friend, an actor, a woman, et cetera. I now am a mother. No other title has or will hold a bigger place in my life or my heart. Whereas before I was blowing in the breeze like a tumbleweed, I am now grounded. I have a true and absolute purpose for all of my days. It gives me a god-like confidence and I thank God everyday for awarding me with this coveted experience.

I won't go on and on about those things though. This is my theatrical blog. If you want to delve into my personal life you'll have to follow me on tumblr. ;)

 Did I mention that I'm still head over heals in love with theater?! I was with child for 42 weeks, and 4 days so needless to say I missed the stage!! Once I was certain I was going to have a baby, week 18, I knew that I would have to either postpone, give up, or get serious about my craft. Well, I hate waiting and I don't believe in giving up and so it was time to get serious. My goals would have to be bigger because my time is that much more precious. Anything I auditioned for had to be worth it. I knew it would be hard work taking care of a newborn but until he arrived....I had no freakin idea!! I literally had the life sucked out of me the first month of Vincent's life. Gradually we got a good routine going and Vince started sleeping through the night. It was time to start auditioning again. I knew New Line's line up for their next season and I didn't think I'd be right for those particular shows and so it was time to venture off.

I'd look on STL auditions whenever I had a free hand or two and stumbled upon auditions for the Black Rep. They were holding auditions for their 36th season. The last show I did was 'Palmer Park' under the direction of Ron Himes and so I was that much more nervous. When auditions rolled around I had my 2 contrasting monologues, my headshot, my resume, my 32 bars of music. I was sooooo nervous. But I'll punch nerves in the face before I let them get the best of me!! Duuuuuuuuude!! Nerves kicked my ass and took my name!! I wouldn't say I bombed the audition but it was not fantastic. I didn't beat myself up about it though. I was rusty, I hadn't auditioned for anything in over a year! I was surprised to say the least when I was invited to a callback for 'Facing the Shadow'. Wooooohoooo!! I made up my mind that this time I would be impressive.

I googled the show and didn't find much. I saw that it was set just before the civil war, that it involved free women of color and helping a slave escape. I also saw that it would show at the History Museum and that it would be directed by Linda Kennedy. I was excited for callbacks!! Whenever I could I practiced cold-reading, did vocal warm-ups, practiced expressions in the mirror. Vincent giggled at me a lot :) On the day of auditions I made sure I looked prim and proper. I wanted to be cast in this show. I was nervous yet again, but this time I had to show nerves who was boss!! I got my sides. They wanted me to read for Alice. I was equipped with some tips and read several times with the other actors. I felt good when everything was said and done. They called me back into the room and offered me the role of Alice Adams, one of the leads, in 'Facing the Shadow'!!! I accepted, of course!!

With my script in hand I went home and told my family the great news!! They were so happy for me and let me know that they would do what they could to help me with baby Vincent during rehearsals and performances. My heart did a happy dance! As an actor, I crave the stage. I need to perform. It's my drug of choice and I can't wait to get my fix. As a mommy this will be hard. I have yet to be away from my son and now I'll have to share my time. It'll be okay though because one of the things I want Vincent to know is that you need to pursue your dreams!! They will haunt you otherwise.

 With the help of my family and Vincent's dad I've been able to get back into the theatrical world. I've come to realize that every breathing moment is prime time and life is what you make it!! I'm always on the hunt for the next role to embellish my resume. One of my goals was to always have a script in my backseat....now there will be a car seat as well. I'm multifaceted and so I've got it in the bag!! No one will ever know just how turbulent it has been for me transitioning from a single young lady to a mother. But, I want the world to see how I've become a better friend, sister, daughter, woman, actor, et cetera because of it. Absolutely priceless!! I look forward to sharing my experiences with you all so be sure to check in. Til next time...



'Passing Strange' has come and gone and I miss it soooooo much. I keep hearing that sexy bass line and when I start to rock some air bass, I get a little sad, because it hits me that I won't get to do that, badly, as a member of the Scaryotypes anymore :( But that's ok! We had a great run, despite the turn-out. It fills me with joy to know that everyone who DID see the show, left FEELING something. PRICELESS. That does not happen all the time. I especially love when fellow actors come and see a show. Even though actors are great at pretending, you can always tell whether or not they truly enjoyed themselves. Usually it's in the way they express their delight. A guy told me that when he was watching the show, he could feel the outside world going away and he got trapped inside the world we were creating. Two of my girlfriends called their mom's to tell them they loved them on the way home from the show. That's beyond awesome to me!! Precious moments. This was a life changing experience that I will always cherish.

As I reflect on 'Passing Strange' and dive into 'Palmer Park' it amazes me how RACE really is an issue. It hadn't really dawned on me. I guess because my life has always been racially integrated, and for that I am so thankful. But man oh man, race is a big deal to a lot of people....even today. This 'race issue' hit hard when a good chunk of the regular New Line audience was not in attendance for 'Passing Strange'. I thought that it was mainly because it's a show that a lot of people hadn't heard of. Well, then I thought back to opening night for 'I love my wife', and there were waaaaaay more butts in the seats. That show is not well known at all and it hasn't been on Broadway in ages. So what's the difference....both had a small cast....biggest difference to me is subject matter and color of actors. The run of this brilliant show opened my eyes to what black people will be stuck with for who knows how long...being viewed as conspicuous.

There is a line in 'Palmer Park' that really brought it to my attention. 'Palmer Park' deals with trying to capturing racial harmony and reality hitting the fan. In one scene a white man is pouring his heart out and says this in reference to black people in the united states..."Unlike Ellis Island immigrants, you were always conspicuous. This is not an equation that includes an equal sign." Black people may forever be viewed as conspicuous in some people's eyes. When a clerk watches a black person browsing in a store intensely... shame. That little old white lady is just as capable of shoplifting, but is not nearly as conspicuous in most clerks' eyes. It is what it is. I wish I could say it WAS what it WAS, but for some reason racism just won't roll over and die already. Racism can stay in it's ignorant world, and out of my neighborhood. I have never personally been oppressed. No one has maliciously called me a nigger. I have never been denied anything simply because of my race. My mind is open and my heart is big and warm thanks to that. I don't have any resentment towards any race. I think about people who have been oppressed and the bitterness that's got to ignite, and the cycle it produces. Racism....known, unknown, big, small is just no good....DIE ALREADY!! Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan said "The issue of race could benefit from a period of benign neglect." Well, HOLLA!! I wish it were something that could simply be left alone. But then something happens like, a poor turnout for an amazing show that follows a black man's journey and features black actors and we're right back at it. It makes you wonder..... Well, I'm over it. I don't look at people and try to find what's different between us, I look at them as a human being, because even if we have no similarities, we share that common ground and sharing is caring ;)

'Palmer Park' is a powerful show. For some of those who see the show, it will be a trip down memory lane. For others it will be an incredible reality check. We've been rehearsing for a while and day after day our sense of community and pride grows and grows. This show has really made me appreciate generations before me. The lives they've led, the mistakes they've made, the struggles they've risen above....all so that I'm able to do what I do today. I can't wait to share it with an audience. I know a lot of people will learn some things they might not have known before and that's part of the mission of art....to inform and delight. I'm ready to do this!! Cue to cue's are here and we all enjoy that so much ;) ;) Bring on those performance enhancers!!! Okay, more juicy deets to come, but for now, I'm spent and so it's sleepy time for this gal. Thanks for reading, stay tuned.


Too bad it takes so long

AWWWWWW!!! I can't even believe we've come this far. I mean I can, that was the plan after all, but I'm just so proud of us. I remember rehearsing like it was yesterday and now we have three more performances left. THREE!! I will miss this. I will miss that sexy bass line that gets the party started. I will miss hugging my cast-mates before starting the show. I will miss watching, story telling, transforming. As the nights go by I am increasingly emotional. This show holds a special place in my heart, it has left it's fingerprints on my being.

From the moment I heard the music I was intrigued. It didn't sound like typical musical theatre. It sounded like something I'd hear on the radio, or better yet, straight from my play list. I was smitten! Then I saw it on Netflix and I was metamorphosed. I had never seen anything like that!! NOTHING ever spoke to me so personally. The relationship between the boy and his mom is so much like me and my granny's relationship, it's frightening. The fact that he finds joy in music and art and creativity and expression....it's like looking in a mirror. Discovering paradise, growing bored with it. Learning, loving, losing. These are things that all people can relate to. So I was rather surprised when it came to the turn out. I thought people would lose their minds over this show, like I did!! It's been a bit disappointing. I don't know if it's because it's a lesser known show or because it's a small cast or because it's a black cast and the story of a black man's journey, I don't know. But something has definitely effected the crowd. Honestly, I figured there would be a fair amount of apprehension from some of the white theatre going crowd. And sadly, it goes without saying that there is a lack of presence of black folks in the theatre community as a whole. Directing, starring, contributing, attending. Just period. But, I cannot, will not worry about who is NOT in the seats. It's my job to deliver the message to the people that ARE, so that they tell all of their friends ;)

Slowly but surely, that's been happening! I love it when people talk to us after the show. You can see the emotion on their faces. The greatest thing I've heard, is "We loved that experience." That makes me so proud!!! 'Passing Strange' truly is an experience, it moves you. No matter who you are....young, old, man, woman, black, white. Once you see it you realize it's less about race and more about the human being. This show has given me answers to questions I may have never asked. It has stretched me as an actor and I got to speak with a sexy German accent LOL!! Not a day goes by that the songs aren't in my head. Same goes for some of my friends who have seen the show. I was at a party and a buddy of mine was humming "Arlington Hill". That makes me smile big and bright!! To see what we have all worked so hard to create, delight and inform people is just magical. The kind of magic, that I'm ok with, not the dark and creepy kind.

THREE more performances. Three more times to call and respond. Three more times to explode!!! Three more times to wave those Amsterdam hands. :( I am going to miss this, but it will ALWAYS be with me. 'Passing Strange' is an experience that I can't wait to share with y'all three more times!! So, I'll see you there! Okay, cool....be sure to stay afterward so that I can give you GIANT HUGS!!


This brings me no joy.

I am sooooooo sad that I have not had time to sit with myself. Creative time. Time where I can take life's Lemons and make juicy, delicious, sweet, refreshing lemonade. I've just been juggling these stupid ass lemons. BOOOOOOOOOO!! I can't even juggle!! So yea, it's been beyond a mess. I love to blog!! To share my thoughts, as scattered as they may be. I can't even sit still long enough to do so. I gotta make a change. I don't care how much money I make as long as I am happy. As long as I am fulfilled by the end of the day. My days have literally been 9 A.M. clock in, 6 P.M. clock out, 6:30 P.M. get to theatre, 8 P.M. PLAY ON STAGE :), 10:30ish P.M. figure out how much I'll hate my life the next day,...if I go out that night, 1:00 A.M. arrive home, engage nightly routine, sleep, then repeat the next day!!! Daaaaaaang, it's a lot sometimes. But, what gets to me most is that the biggest chunk of my day is invested in working on someone else's passionate project.

It makes me kinda jealous. More and more so daily. I think....hmmmmmmm....I could be crafting. I could be building MY brand. I could be receiving more joy!! This is what I will be working toward because "my dream is to live as an artist". I want to take hold of my dreams and make them a reality bit by bit. I am a realistic person and so no I don't want to quit my job and become a struggling artist, however, I intend to focus on my passion like it's running dry. Like it could make me millions one day, as a matter of fact, like it makes me millions today!! When I consider what I'm receiving for the amount time I invest "workin for man", it's bad news bears. Well, I'm seeking good vibrations, negative nancys can exit stage right....NOW!! Sam Cooke said "a change gon come" I say HOLLA!! I will not just talk about it, I will make it happen. I am an actor, I feed on action.

As I finish up this blog, the shortest blog ever, I am sad. Sad because it's Friday, Friday, and I wanna get down on Friday but noooooooooo 7 A.M. comes oh so early and it's already midnight. :( I am also happy!! For lots of reasons. I have an able mind to share my thoughts and fingers to type it up. I have a job! I have a vehicle of expression, without fear of execution. Friends and family who love me. I could go on and on and so the next time I blog it will not be full of complaints, it will be full of thoughts on 'Passing Strange' and who knows what else. Thanks for listening to, well reading about, my rant of disgust and my hope for change. If I were with you right now I'd give you a biiiiiiiiiggg HUG!! Really though, I do need to make a change so that I have more time on my hands to craft my art form and so that my blood pressure and stress level stays low low low low low low low low. <---in my Flo-Rida voice ;) Til next time guys.


With their judgemental eyes...see, they've all just realized.....

Nothing is ever strawberry fields forever. Sometimes shit hits the fan. Sometimes people disagree. Sometimes there are opposing visions. We are a group of artists, art is subjective and tiffs are bound to occur, so I don't fret. As long as we are all working towards the same goal, everything will work out. Friction is like seasoning...without it things can get bland and tasteless, too much of it and it becomes a salty mess!! We need friction to cause the spark that ignites a fire!! A fire called passion!! We're artists, not arsonists and so we're not gonna burn the place down, we are going to smolder. We aren't going to take this fire to engulf and destroy. We're gonna take this fire and make beautiful art like blowing glass. Things are really starting to gel and it's nice. Transitions are smoother. Awkward moments are more tense than ever. Touching moments are hitting home. I thought I'd be sick of this show by now but I'm not at all!! It's a challenging production and I know that's why I'm still invested. There's lots of work yet to be done. We've baked the cake and now it's time to ice and decorate, and then serve it, on a platter. This is where artistic freedom must run rampant. This is where discernment is crucial. Nothing should ever get in the way of the message! It's my duty as an actress to always perform like nothing. else. matters. but the message at hand.

Performance enhancers are upon us. I'm sooooo excited, I feel like a little kid on a snow day. LET'S PLAY!! Hair, make-up, the band, lights, costumes, props, the set. Yeeeeeessss!! I want it all!! I've gotta be careful though because with all 'performance-enhancers' there are side effects. These things are here to intensify our performances, but they can also detract, distract, dilute. My role in this group of fiery pilgrims is PERFORMER. A messenger in ways. I want to deliver a clear message with genuine and raw emotion. I refuse to overdose on performance enhancers. If I fail, feel free to 'kill the messenger'. :) The lights, the band, the props, the set....these things are all around me, providing an ambient effect. The hair, make-up, costumes....are a true part of the character. This is where the side effects hit directly. When you envision the character your playing, certain images come to mind. Much like when you read the script, certain blocking comes to mind. Whenever it comes down to it, things may be different than what you imagined. You may be disappointed. You get over it. Unless you don't. Unless the side effects defeat the purpose. Hair, make-up, costumes are always the 'sketchy' part of performance enhancers. They have a super ability to detract, distract, dilute. Could you imagine Audrey with long brown hair instead of her blond bob. Or a "plain Jane" character with a face full of after 5 makeup. Or Dorothy with a red gingham gown....it would change everything. Hair, make-up, costumes are vital pieces when crafting a character. Impeccable taste is a must. Things really shouldn't be too extraordinary with this show, everything is very minimal. Very little props, costume changes happen quickly. Subtle conversions. I think the most vital performance enhancer will be the addition of the band.

This is a Rock and Roll show!! When the band hits the stage, we will explode!! All those guitar riffs and the groovy bass. OMG and the drums!! I can't even handle it, just thinkin about it is making my cheeks hurt I'm smiling so hard. I'm going to try and interact with them as much as possible!! I wonder if they'll sing?! It'd be hard not to!! Justin has been playing piano the past few rehearsals. He is sooooo great. It's amazing he just jumped in like that playing these hard ass songs!! Hats off to Justin!! He's given us a tasty sample of what we have to look forward to once the rest of the New Line band hits the scene. I can't frickin wait!! Since Justin is playing piano, Scott has taken seats in the house. I like it when he watches, things change, for the better. I've already gotten plenty of helpful notes. I've got to remember to stop taking baby steps, it really is distracting and I should only be moving with purpose. I guess I get nervous, which is sooooo not my style. I'm really happy that Mr. Miller enjoys my freestyle interpretive dance. He said it was some good Perkins-ograpy, that made my heart smile, but nothing tops Miller-ography :) Insert Amsterdam hands. The band was a super part of the original production. We don't have a collapsible stage and that's quite alright, but the one thing I miss most with our production in comparison to the original is the lack of Heidi. I loved her. She was like a ghost. Her presence was eerie, intermittent, sporadic and just made sense. Especially in come down now, because I'm sure Heidi has sung that to Stew in her own way. You are missed Heidi, but guess what....We'll just make it like that movie Ghosts and let you live in us from time to time. Man, that's hella creepy!! From magic to ghosts....my goodness!! What the F is my problem!!

This journey is about to hit a turning point. HELL WEEK!!! Things will get hectic, we will be metamorphosed. I realize that I've only been sprinkling in the swag, but I've gotta remember, in the world of musicals, this is soul food and I can be a little bit more heavy handed. The last thing this show is, is bland. This show is all about the "Real" and I just need to focus on that as far as my performance goes. MY REAL. As well as ENERGY!! I went to see a show that only had 2 actors and no intermission and I couldn't take my eyes off the stage. They were 100% invested and therefore so was I. It's easy to get bored as an audience member when your sitting down for a couple hours, experiencing something for the first time. The lights are dim, there aren't any flashy costumes or gigantic dance numbers. I can't let that happen. Boredom is the last thing I want you to experience. There are only 7 of us, in an intimate set up and so there is no doubt, someone is watching you. We must captivate, entrance, seduce, provoke,thrill. It's the New Line way!! This is a very strong cast!! We've grown very close to each other and I learn from each and every individual. I am so grateful to Scott for putting on this production. It's great that he knows what he's after....intelligent singing actors. That gives me a confidence jet pack and I feel honored whenever I can be a part of anything New Line does. It's run run run from here on out and then you guys get to eat some tasty cake!!! Metaphorically of course, well, I guess not if you come to the opening night after party.....DO. IT. and then use your peer pressure for good and tell all your friends to come too!! Come on, all the cool kids are doing it! ;)


If it were any more real, baby....It'd be fiction.

Let's talk about the V. I almost feel like I'm about to be blogging about true blood or something!!! LMAO!! That would be cool too!! Hopefully this is just as cool. To be continued.....

Aaaaaannd we're back. Bait and switch babay!! Last time I blogged I wanted to get knee deep in that triangle between the youth, the mom, and Desi and I still do. However, I was thinking about it and it's really more of a V than a triangle. The Mom and Desi never interact, they are the tips of the V. The youth is the point of the V, the prick if you will ;) and he is a little prick, to both of these ladies. He never says it but he loves them both and they surely love him. It's awesome how similar the relationships are concerning the Mom and Youth & Desi and the Youth. They both try to teach him the same lesson in their own way. Mom says "Love is more real than a dream" Desi sings "My love is more real than all your dreams." He hears them both but doesn't really listen. The roles they play in his life really reflect his growth and his plateau for that matter. These characters all speak to me. Each in their own way.

Let's start with Mom! The Mom represents my family's everlasting love for me. All the things the Mom does my family has done. She preaches to him. He can't stand it. She doesn't "understand" him. She tries to teach him quality lessons. He runs from it. He doesn't want her real, he wants his real. "Why are normal everyday things like sheer agony for you?" youth replies with "'Cuz normal everyday things are phony. Why do I have to change?" In those two sentences alone you see how the mom lives her life...routinely. You see how the youth feels about that and what he'd love to do about it. When the Youth acts a fool in church the Mom says "Do you want these people thinking I've raised a heathen?" the Youth lets her know "I'm not like you! I don't care what they think." Rebel youth! Oh so immature, oh so selfish, oh so headstrong. I love these lyrics, there are mothers everywhere who have felt the exact same way...It's breaking you heart, his questioning of everything. Unannounced, he's flown out from under your wing. I'm hardly afraid of your new world's strange design. Why don't you make room for me, as I made room for you in mine. All Mom's probably feel this way when their child is coming into their own. The youth's mind is made up. He must fulfill his destiny. He's going to Europe, and not just to visit, He's moving there for good. Some of my favorite scenes occur between the Mom and the Youth. In the European avant-garde cinema scene you get a complete breakdown of the struggle between the two. My granny and I have shared similar scenarios. He stands strong on his mission "My dream is to live as an artist" She lets him know "Love is more real than a dream" here comes the rebuttal "You torture me with love, when what I need is understanding." Jeesh, that's kinda harsh to say to ur mom, but at 15 I'm sure I've said worse!! 100% certain. The Mom reminds me so much of my Granny. Good spirited, loving, christian, organized, full of love for me. She has instilled things in me that I will never depart from and that I've run from faster than she can say listening is waiting. Her intent is always the best and sometimes she doesn't understand me at all. But I know she loves me and she keeps me aloft. Youth goes abroad, Mom stays home. In a home that once was theirs, just the two of them. That's a loneliness I know nothing of. I'm not a mom and so I can't personally relate with how that must feel. I empathize more and more the older I get. I will forever be their child. Love like that can't be measured.

The Youth, I relate to in so many ways on a personal level. I've shied away from religion, I've found myself in music, I've run from home in search of my real. I've hurt my family just by being me and who I am. I've lost friends and lovers over time while shedding my cocoon. I have discovered that I am an artist, and it is my dream to live as an artist. When the youth says certain things I'm shaking my head like you selfish little immature prick. At the same time I have felt and do feel the way that he does at various points in my life. I was so rebellious as a teenager. I wanted nothing but to go in search of my own ideas and so when my parents tried to tell me what I should do or who I should be I really didn't want to hear it. I felt like the Youth felt....why should I have to change? To fit your mold? I want my own mold. I did what I wanted to do, I didn't care that it was breaking their hearts to see me run from what they built for me. Well, I now realize that I was just immature and selfish. I didn't put others before myself. My love was shallow, my focus was on living how I wanted to live. Their love was deep, their whole lives transformed around their love for me and making my life the best it could be. That focus became more real than whatever dreams they had to put on hold. Sacrifice, maturity, love, now that's real. Times are changing. I'm not nearly as selfish as I used to be and a great deal of that can be attributed to the fact that I'm not nearly as young as I used to be. HEYO! These lines in the show regarding youth really hit home for me "the only truth of youth, is the grown-up consequences." and "someday the chords of age will drown out the life you've been dreaming of." So. True. youth is fleeting, love is everlasting. I enjoy the Youth's journey and the subtle transformations he goes through. It's like looking in the mirror a little bit and that's so rare and so nice.

Ms. Desi that is, Desi Desi that is, she was a left-wing love machine. Can you dig it? YES I CAN! I <3 Desi. I like her swagger. I like her irresistible mind. Desi is the character that I play for the longest amount of time. She is the character that I relate to the most when it comes to my love life. "She had a long awaited answer for the emptiness you feel, she called it revolution, she told him only love is real." She drops mad knowledge on the youth. Listening is waiting, he takes from it what he will. In so many ways I also believe that only Love is real. I feel love, I give love, I crave love. I have loved and lost, and I will never ever give up on love. It's one of those things you can't buy, or touch, or even explain sometimes but that is so powerful. Love will make you do unseemly things. I was in a relationship for a long while full of ups and downs. Full of lies, full of love. Full of contradictory emotions. In my way I was Desi pleading to the youth to remove that mask. Let me in. Want what I want, feel how I feel, ask me, so that I can give you everything. In his way he was the youth. He didn't see the point of love without understanding....although I thought I understood more than I did. Where I felt only love is real, he felt, it's not love if somebody had to change. Love was not his number one priority, he would be changing his entire focus in order to give me what I want. It hurts to be denied what you want, but it would hurt more to partake in one sided pretending and so I can respect that. Sometimes you've gotta just step back and say "O.K." and let life take it's course. The older I get the better I understand love. I've heard this a billion times and usually shrug it off but this is very true..."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." That makes me feel like love is the key to immortality!! That makes me respect love and only seek real love. To hold on tight to the real love my family has provided for me and continue to provide me time and time again. :) Desi rocks and I'm so happy to get to portray her. She is a big girl, she allows herself to be vulnerable, if she gets hurt, she will shake it off and become no more bitter because of it. I like that and now that's my plan, Stan.

Whenever I'm involved in a show I try to find something to personally relate to the character I'm playing. Sometimes it's hard. In this case it's been hard to not ramble on and on about how relatable every character is!! It's special, it's rare, it's real. We are off book now and so it's time to get serious and to play a lot too! You can definitely act better without a script in your hand to get in the way. When the band comes in to play, when the lights go up and down, and all those other performance enhancers hit the scene....MAGIC will happen. Man, I seem to mention magic in like every blog and I'm NOT a fan of magic. I mean I guess I am if it's used for good... but it's magic and so it's too easy to be tricked into thinking it's good, but it very well may not be. Alright that's enough about magic and trickery and tom foolery!! Let's talk about something real....THIS SHOW KICKS ASS!! And it keeps getting better!! I think I have my look for the first act and the second act too!! Get. Excited. I am!! The audience is right around the corner, and I love to see the looks on peoples faces. I can't wait!! I want to thrill you!! The only thing I don't want to see is you sleeping, but if your 75+ I'm okay with it because I think your adorable, and I understand....ur just old and it's probs waaaaaaaay past your bed time!! LOL!! Can't wait to get my nursing home up and running. I can just imagine the mayhem at other adult care facilities when their residents find out they could be at the coolest nursing home in town. Water beds, Jacuzzis, jello shots, speed dating, ice-cream socials, Vegas style weddings and entertainment!! HOLLA!! My only stipulation is that you have to check yourself in :) The guy sleeping in the front row wouldn't make the cut, but the red hat lady cracking up with the pearls...yea she's in! Okay, I've lost all train of thought. It's time to call it quits. I'm sure you guys read these sometimes and are like what the hell, but I just wanna say thanks for reading :)


Strip your mind naked, pilgrim.

HELL YEA ACT II!! It's already been broughten!! Yea, I went there, I'm a dork like that...love me, not your idea of me ;) I will cherish this experience always!! Act II is when things get heavy, when it starts to feel real. This is where the youth learns the lessons he will take with him beyond his youth. He will take with him...."what's inside is just a lie" and "only love is real". He will create his true self. The key to "the real" will finally be in his hands. What will he do with it? Is it a master key? Act II helps complete established lessons. Brings about "real" lessons. Tests if he's ready.

Berlin...that's where we are for pretty much all of Act II. The setting is a complete shift from the setting of Act I. Amsterdam spring sunshine, L.A. the sun shines every day of the year. Berlin was ugly, cold, and cracked...the snow was all about. Although the weather was waaaaay nicer in the first act, the bleak weather in the second act is more fitting. the more concrete the "real" becomes...the bleaker things become. Makes sense after all. The real is not all happy, happy, joy, joy....sometimes it's damp and dark and cold. Sometimes it's an ugly truth. Things have got to be bad from time to time in order to recognize what makes you feel good. Like the youth says during "Stoned" in Act I...."It's like I can't get too comfortable. Otherwise I'll forget all the shit there is to complain about." "It's hard to write songs when your already in paradise". "Paradise is a bore." He realized that world was not his 'paradise' after all. Goodbye sex, drugs, and rock & roll!! That truly was a ton of fun. Indeed there will still be sex, there will still be drugs, there will still be rock and roll. But, it'll become more like...Making love, experimental escapes via drugs, and performance art. Sure, that doesn't have the same ring to it, but it's as real as ever!!

He continued on his journey to find "the real". Berlin: A black hole with Taxis. Berlin: A forest of sharp corners. Berlin: Swallowed if harmful. It was two miles from right, it was always all night. As soon as he hits the scene he's hit in the face with a RIOT!! Oh "May Day"!! I just love it!! I get so AMP. I don't know what it is about this song...well, I guess I do. I love that it sounds and feels like 90's house music!! It is the reason "Du Hast" is on my 'Passing Strange' play list. It sets the scene and introduces some wild characters. Individuals. Hugo, bitter music critic. Sudabey, post-modern pornographer and social critic. Mr. Venus, a. performance. artist. And Desi, the den mother and social engineer. This is the Nowhaus gang. Desi is the founder. "We wish to create an anti-bourgeois living community, that stands in opposition to capitalist society". Heavy huh? Waaaaaaay heavier than "We just had sex." Nowhaus was not looking for "the real", and they wouldn't hesitate to let Mr. youth know. They will all force valuable lessons upon him. Listening is waiting, he will take from it, what he will.

The youth has been on his own for quite some time now. Having a blast, creating, experimenting, destroying. He has matured a bit. He is developing a better understanding of "the real". He's still as selfish as ever. Has he learned any lessons? A while back he discovered his love of music. That love still reigns supreme. He's been writing songs. It is not until he is introduced to performance art that he learns...."the only way to become your true self, is to create your true self." He is born again here in Berlin. His chains have been broken. He is head strong. He goes full-force. He will conform to no one. He is more hurtful than ever.

I love Act II. A lot of things come back around full circle. Much how life is...every 7 years some say. That sort of fits here as well...the youth was about 14-15 when he first discovered himself as an artist to this point in the story, when he's about 22....hmmmm...STRANGE!! He gets struck with another musical revelation, no where near a church this time around. Thanks to Mr. Venus he's developed from cheesy pop song maker to a twisted poet. Edwina's jaw would hit the floor if she saw how much he "blackened up" for "the black one". If she could see just how much soul he put in his stroll, she. would. drop. dead. But, it's phony now just like it would have been phony then. He gets a first time high once again, but this time it's a heavier drug...take a guess at what it might be....if u guessed COKE...ding! ding! ding! Bring on the revelations and epiphanies! The Scaryotypes...pssssshhh...he doesn't need a band this time around, no sirree, he has created Mr. Middle Passage! Fuck that fishbowl, he has a stage. In Act I, you heard the Mom pour her heart out. You listened to her beg the youth to make room for her in his life. The youth asked "why do I have to change?" In Act II, another woman who loves him asks him to "come down now." "Remove your mask." His ultimate response..."it's not love if somebody has to change." He didn't see the point of love without understanding then, and he still does not to this day. Some things change, some things remain the same.

I will have to dedicate an entire blog to the triangle between the Mom, the Youth, and Desi. The relationship between them is like somebody ripped the pages out of the book of my life. My Mom has felt that way, because of me. I as a young person have been this selfish. I as a lover have felt this way on both ends...why should I have to change and my love is more real than all your dreams...ask me. I could go on and on but that would defeat the purpose of blogging about this later. LOL. I want to HUG STEW!! He can't possibly know how much this piece of work has touched my heart. How thankful I am to get to express the way I've felt, in ways that I couldn't imagine!! It's as if he's taken my life's journal, read it, deciphered the parts I left out, spied on me and my future self, figured out what kind of music I liked and made a play to tell me everything I need to know. WOW!! Are you really a magician Stew, because that will make me a bit hesitant to hug you....just sayin!! I probs still would though because I know full well, you have used your magic for good!! By creating this masterpiece Stew has painted pictures of my life and has given me the opportunity to express it in a way I love so much performance art. A story of an artist, written by an artist, performed by artists. Exquisite, like an orgasm in reverse.